I've been working lately up in Simi Valley on a commercial for Perdue, making a couple of chicken puppets. At least this time, they are funny foam puppets and not made out of actual chickens. California Cheese may have happy cows, but they have some very unhappy chickens.

One of our puppets is wearing a little cold weather outfit, so I went off to Walmart to see what I could find in chicken size. I have not been in a Walmart in a while, and I haven't been in this particular location in 5 years. It was the Walmart of the Damned. I wonder if their corporate offices know how crappy this place is, or if they all look like this now. If I was looking to score some Meth, and I used the Walmart on Cochran as my starting point, I'm guessing I wouldn't have to go too far. It was the most depressing store ever. It had the stink of Final Years Zayre's all over it. The customers and a lot of the workers were like zombies.

I was amazed at how cheap everything was, both price and quality. If raising the prices 20 cents on everything could make the difference in how much they pay everyone from the stitcher in Bangledesh to the cashier, and the store could be cleaner, it might be something to think about. My actual cashier was a normal young lady, though, and I wondered why she wasn't working somewhere else. That new swanky mall just opened up the street, within walking distance. She could have

I did also try Target and the Mexican clothing store. Target had good mittens, but the clothing store was a bust. I wanted to support the local mom and pop store, but their roof was leaking and they had the entire area of kids clothes roped off for safety. I tried to spend The Man's Money locally, but once again, the Big Box Retailer won.

I ended up getting a little red parka and a grey hoodie sweatshirt and created some really cute options. I hope they pick the grey sweatshirt. That costume's backstory is it is worn by the guy who hangs around the Dunkin Donut parking lot on winter mornings hoping you might need your driveway shoveled or something. This chicken is kinda down on his luck. The red coat is really cute too, but not so down on his luck looking.

Here's a link to a really cute flash animation by an old college friend, Fred Kuth. Check out the rest of his designs as well!

The Tale of Don Gato

Is anyone else out there wondering why all the hubbub over the non-issue "Merry Christmas" vs. "Happy Holidays"? It seems to be the number one talking point coming from The Right lately, and I have no idea why. That it has gone on for more than the second half of Thanksgiving Weekend makes me wonder what the hell they are trying to misdirect us from paying attention to. What is wrong with Happy Holidays? What is wrong with generically including all the peoples in your Cheer Giving? Especially when all the peoples are your customer base, neighbors and fellow citizens?

Latest Bill O'Reilly blathering on about it

This link comes from a conservative website, Human Events Online, that Marty aka Gram Ponante linked to today. Gram is a dashing adult industry blogger, with his finger on the throbbing pulse. I wonder how many of Gram's readers linked through like I did, and how will it skew the statistics at the end of this righteous month. I most love the ad "Stop Dating Liberals!" figured prominently on the sidebar. I hate when Dating Liberals happens!

It all reminds me of that "Ed Anger" column that used to be (still is?) in one of the supermarket tabloids, the National Inquirer, I think. The column was obviously a joke, and the innane topics would be just like this one. What gives???

First Project Go Away Victim!!!

We just had our first participant. Come home, go powder my nose and "knock, knock, knock!" Can't a girl catch a goddamn break? I open the door and it is not UPS.

Young man: "Excuse me ma'am..."
Robyn:(with big grin) "Why, Hello there! What's your name? Did you read our sign?"
YM: "Roosevelt..uh...no..."
Robyn:"You are in for a treat!" (I run and get camera)
YM:"uh...uh..."
Robyn:"Oh no. You knocked. You gave permission!"

With that I shove the camera in his face.

YM: "No pictures! no pictures!" He holds his clip board up to his face. FLASH! He hurries down the walk.
Robyn: "Bye! Thanks!"

So my first picture is only a polaroid, but it's wonderful. Slightly blurry, with his hands grasping the edges of his clipboard, blocking his face. I'll get the movie camera up and running in the next few days. Now getting harrassed in my own home is a little more fun!

I have a new project at home I've started working on called "Go Away!"

We get a lot of door-to-door solicitation here for some reason, and it has never been a Girl Scout selling cookies. Maybe it's not really that much traffic, but compared to my last apartment, where I got none, this present level is getting very annoying. Last night was the final straw. I had about a two hour window to take a well needed nap. I had worked all day up in Simi Valley (7 am call time) and I now would have to drive across town and do some work later that evening, and I was so tired that driving could be dangerous. I could not cancel this appointment, as I had done that last week because of Ernest, and now it was at the deadline.

Every time I laid down in the back of the house, the phone would ring or there would be a knock on the door. Every 15 minutes for two hours. One must be polite to the UPS guy, he's only doing his job, he's overworked because of the holidays, and he bringing you something. The final straw was the teenager. I don't even know what his deal was because the look I gave him made him say, "...uh...I can come back later."

On my bedraggled drive later that evening I came up with the project. I will post a sign that warns potential solicitors that I will hassle them for comedic purposes, and then I will do exactly that. Like annoying the telemarketers, but in person. Just the thought of it fills me with the same evil glee that Secret Finger (my old subway game) used to.

I already missed the first opportunity this morning. While I sat here typing, a passel of Jehovah's Witnesses came by. I didn't answer the door. They knocked twice. Perhaps they could hear the radio, or even could glimpse me through a crack in the blinds. Too bad. Go away or become part of my performance art piece! Ha ha ha!!!

My comedy partner Angela Hanigan and I find Chico's clothing hilarious for some reason. Probably because we are not old enough to wear this stuff yet. It's the kind of flowing, sort of hippie-dippie separates that your mom might wear when she's feeling all Maya Angelou and heading off to her Red Hat Club meeting. Paired with a chunky bead necklace, she can order the dessert and not feel "restricted". One is reminded of your elementary school art teacher or perhaps a favorite aunt who lives an exotic Auntie Mame lifestyle far away from your small town where everyone's mom dresses in clothes from Wal-Mart.

The Chico's Woman is buying into a percieved lifestyle. Strong, independent, funky and proudly menopausal. And the stuff is not cheap, either. She's got her own money as well.

Their new Christmas tv commercial is hilarious, and I think takes the Chico Woman to a whole new place. Chico Woman Celebrates the Holidays with Her Young Gay Male Companion. Is it her son? Her walker? Her interior designer? Her foxy silver pixie haircut screams Creative! The location of secluded mountain cabin implies perhaps a little May/December action. Of course, I saw the ad, twice in one hour, on The View.

A funny Ernest story

The outpouring of sympathy from friends near and far has been remarkable to me. It has been like losing a member of the family, and I thank you all for your support. People have been sharing funny memories and stories about him, and I'm reminded of one more...

My friend Andy and I had gone to dinner at our boss Noel's house one evening. I had never been there before, but had heard stories of her cats. One of them turned out to be the most affectionate cat I have ever met, including our own lap-whore, Schmedly. I had long hair at the time, and this cat spent most of the evening snaked around the back of my neck like a feather boa. It was quite flattering, actually. When I finally got home that night, Ernest greeted me at the door like always, and I picked him up to snuggle him. He nuzzles in and then pulls away in horror, just staring at me with this look in his eyes, as if I'd been with a prostitute or something. He jumps down, and has nothing to do with me for the rest of the night. Weeks later, we have some friends over for dinner, and are hanging around the living room chatting. Ernest walks in and looks like he's going to plop himself in the center of the floor, as was his custom. Instead, he makes a beeline for Emily's lap, and jumps right up. As if that wasn't unusual enough, he then snuggles up onto her shoulder and puts his arms around her neck, a move reserved for only myself. He then shoots a look back at me over his shoulder and goes back to nuzzling Emily. He was totally dissing me! In front of a room of people! It was one of the most remarkable things I had ever seen. I didn't know whether to laugh or be jealous. I did both.

There was a Showtime promo running in our area this weekend. A promo like this is a guarantee that they won't have any of their "A" programming running. This time we didn't even get any of the Showtime Family of Channels, specifically Sundance, which really, could be the only channel we got and it wouldn't disappoint.

Steve Tivo'ed something special that ran in the middle of the night over the weekend, and made me sit through the entire thing last night.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

It may have been the worst movie I have ever sat through start to finish. Never mind WHY this was made, I can envision that trainwreck. It was the 80's, the dolls were hot, the stickers were hot, kids programming had changed radically with deregulation, everyone was on cocaine...but WHY was this on Showtime? Even in the middle of the night?

At some point during the viewing, when I could not possibly take one more second, I start to leave the room. "I should have married Mike D'Alonzo!" says Steve. "Mike would enjoy watching this!" I know a challenge. I sat through the rest of that turd of a movie. But now Steve must watch and entire episode of Sex in the City with me, TBD.

What makes it so very, very bad? Not one of the characters, human or GPK, is likeable. The writing and dialogue is stilted and stupid. The premise is vague and stupid. And those dolls are CREEPY. Like Chucky, but worse, because you keep thinking about the little person inside. They SING. MUSICAL. NUMBERS. The best thing I can say is that there is no "rap" style song, and that is ONLY because in 1986 when they made this, white people had not corrupted that art form and stuck it into every "Cool Thing for Kidz!" yet. That would have to wait until 1988.

They left the ending open for a sequel, which is the most insulting part. (Don't worry, I'm not diminishing your pleasure with this spoiler) The GPKs ride off into the sunset in their wagon, presumably to find their missing friends. We are lead to believe the friends are dead, but since we never saw the bodies, they could still be alive somewhere(!) and waiting for the GPK sequel. Another franchise is born!

Just read the link. I can't even bring myself to dissect it. It was because I was feeling too sick to go to yoga class. Why did I stay home?

R.I.P.

We put Ernest the Cat to sleep this morning, and he was dignified to the end. It was a heartbreaking decision to make, but I know that it was the right one. When his bloodwork came back yesterday, it revealed he already was in an advanced stage of kidney failure. I didn't want to keep him alive just because I couldn't let go. He was 17, and had led a full kitty life. We held and petted him through his final moments. It was very peaceful.

Right afterwards, we were standing at the reception desk, and a man went by with a little old dog that was a mess. He had the cone on, and was covered in a rash, with half his hair gone. That moment sealed it for me. I hadn't wanted Ernest's last few months to be that. He had been so vain and prideful all those years. I had made the right decision.

We talked about that a little bit with the other client waiting at the counter. His cat had just had surgery, and told us he had to put his dog to sleep at that same vet's three years before. He was very comforting to us. Then I realized it was a total Hollywood moment. The guy was Will from Will and Grace.


Studio City Animal Hospital